Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley (in Java)

What follows in Java pseudocode for the lyrics to Elvis’ first gold record, Heartbreak Hotel, the spiritual and philosophical ramifications of which are one of all and sundry, give or take a few.

if (baby.getEndDate() != null) {
  setAddress(
    new Dwelling("HeartBreak Hotel", "Lonely Street"));
}

for (int i=0;i<3;i++) {
  loneliness++;
}
mood--;

if (crowded) { // crowded always true?
  Room room = new Room();
  room.setClientelle("BROKEN_HEARTED_LOVERS")
  room.setFunction("GLOOM_AVERSION_THERAPY)
  room.getInventory().add(new Carton("Tissues"));
  room.book();
}

if (role() == BELL_HOP && teary()) {
  global_tear_count++;
  setResidency(PERMANENT);
}

if (role() == DESK_CLERK && getAttire.color() == Color.BLACK) {
  setResidency(PERMANENT);
}

if (recent(baby.getEndDate()) && !member()) {
  ambulate(getAddress("HeartBreak Hotel"));
}

Probably needs refactoring…

Harry Handelbar

Harry is a recovering satirist, part-time philosopher, and full-time tinkerer of tags. He once wrote a poem about recursion that never ended, and a JavaScript confession that crashed three browsers. His archive spans two decades of metaphysical mischief, theological punchlines, and nostalgic detours. He believes in the transformative power of satire, the elegance of well-placed meta tags, and the occasional necessity of poetic nonsense.