The Meaning of Life

I’ve been known to give the meaning of life a bit of thought every so often. So I thought I’d take a stab at implementing it in Java.

This is a first cut.

public class Life {

  static final int ZERO = 0; // nothing is certain
  static final long ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE = 999; // omg
  static final long MAX_ATTEMPTS = ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE - 995;

  static int ATTEMPT_COUNT = 0; // nothing ventured
  static long SEED;

  boolean TRYING;
  boolean FAILED;
  boolean SUCCEEDED;
  boolean ALIVE;

  public static void main(String[] args) {
    Life life = new Life();
    jot(" THE MEANING OF LIFE\n");
    //initialise the beginning of the beginning
    life.goRandom();
    //initialise the beginning of the life
    life.beBorn();
    // oh yes i gotta lotta livin' to do uh uh
    life.liveMacLongAndMacProsper();
    // finish him!
    life.die();

    jot("\n --\n");
  }

  void beBorn() {
    goRandom();
    ALIVE = true;
  }

  void liveMacLongAndMacProsper() {
    // just a tiny subset of life here for now
    goRandom();
    while(event(ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE - 100)) {
      doStuff();
    }
  }

  public void doStuff() {
    goRandom();
    while(event(ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE - 100) &&
                ATTEMPT_COUNT < MAX_ATTEMPTS) {
      attempt();
    }
  }

  void attempt() {
    TRYING = true;
    ATTEMPT_COUNT++;
    jot(" we try ");
    if (ATTEMPT_COUNT < MAX_ATTEMPTS) {
      if(successful()) {
        SUCCEEDED = true;
        jot(" we succeed ");
      } else {
        SUCCEEDED = false;
        jot(" we fail ");
      }
    }
    TRYING = false;
  }

  void die() {
    if (ATTEMPT_COUNT == ZERO) {
      jot(" we didn't get a turn :( ");
    } else {
      jot(" we die :( ");
    }
    ALIVE = false;
  }

  // this is where weird stuff happens
  // where a bee sting results in a symphony
  // where a tune triggers a memory
  // where the unrelated are related
  boolean event(long intervene) {
    goRandom();
    return SEED < intervene ? true:false;
  }

  boolean successful() {
    return SUCCEEDED = event(ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE - 800);
  }

  void goRandom() {
    SEED = Math.round(Math.random() * ONE_THOUSAND_MINUS_ONE);
  }

  void goRandom(double intervene) {
    SEED = Math.round(Math.random() * intervene);
  }

  public static void jot(String string) {
    System.out.print(string);
  }
}

Harry Handelbar

Harry is a recovering satirist, part-time philosopher, and full-time tinkerer of tags. He once wrote a poem about recursion that never ended, and a JavaScript confession that crashed three browsers. His archive spans two decades of metaphysical mischief, theological punchlines, and nostalgic detours. He believes in the transformative power of satire, the elegance of well-placed meta tags, and the occasional necessity of poetic nonsense.